BY  BRICKTOP 


ILLUSTRATED  BY  THOMAS  WORTH. 


Qeorde  (£ 

I • i 


sxtzetw  TTons: : 

COLLIN,  & SMALL,  59  BEEKMAN  STREET. 


Entered  according  to  the  Act  of  Congress  in  the  year  1876,  by 
COLLIN  & SMALL, 

In  the  Office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress,  at  Washington. 


<8  \ *\ 

\ ^ 


O 


^3 

O 

Oo 


^HE  political  pot  began  to  boil  some  time  since,  and  Cicero 
Buncomebum  was  one  of  the  first  to  catch  a sniff  of  the 
savory  mess. 

Cicero  Buncomebum  was  a man  who  had  grown  gray  while 
waiting  for  law  practice  and  talking  politics  in  familiar  bar- 
rooms. 

All  at  once  the  gift  of  eloquence  reached  for  him,  and  ambi- 
tion marked  him  for  her  own. 

So  far  his  life  had  been  a blank.  His  genius  had  been 
smouldering,  so  to  speak;  but  now  he  resolved  to  burst  forth — 
to  blossom  into  a forty-horse  power  orator. 

His  country  needed  him;  the  stump  fairly  yearned  for  him. 
He  resolved  to  fly  to  the  arms  of  that  country,  and  to  wreathe 
that  stump  with  flowers  of  oratory. 

As  for  his  politics,  they  were  naturally  elastic,  anyway, 
and  he  would  always  accommodate  the  company  he  found  him- 
self in  whenever  there  was  a decided  majority  on  one  side  or 
the  other. 

He  had  already  gathered  a few  button-hole  bouquets,  figura- 
tively speaking,  by  his  bar-room  eloquence,  but  now  he  resol- 
ved that  the  whoje  country  should  make  a business  of  laying 
flowers  at  his  feet. 


p 48490 


4 


STUMPING  IT. 


A FEW  BAR-ROOM  EXPERIMENTS  IN  ORATORY  BY  BUNCOMEBTJM. 


CO  l LfSf/i?u3 


STUMPING  IT.  5 


First  he  tried  the  Republican  State  Committee  for  an  engage- 
ment, but  the  obtuse  gentlemen  composing  it  failed  to  be  convin- 
ced that  they  needed  him. 

Then  he  tried  the  Democratic  Committee,  and  they  made 
good  the  title  of  “nincompoops’7  which  the  Sun  had  given  them. 

The  Republican  Committee  said  they  had  always  regarded 
him  as  a Democrat,  and  the  Democrats  said  they  had  good 
reasons  to  believe  him  a Republican.  He  agreed  to  “turn77  for 
either  one  of  them;  but  they  turned,  and  Buncomebum  failed  to 
be  employed  at  all. 

But  he  was  determined  never  to  give  up.  The  spell  was 
upon  him,  and  he  resolved  to  do  it  according  to  Webster. 

He  would  go  forth  like  a free  lance,  and  his  eloquence  should 
be  so  effective  that  both  parties  would  be  made  sick  with  regrets 
at  their  mistake. 

He  went  forth  and  made  a speech.  It  happened  to  be  in  a 
Tilden  locality,  and  he  created  quite  a sensation  by  his  new  style 
of  oratory  and  his  original  way  of  putting  things. 

On  this  account  he  was  taken  up  by  the  Democratic  State 
Committee  and  sent  out  as  a campaign  speaker. 

Then  was  Buncomebum  happy.  He  had  triumphed  once,  and 
trumpets  should  thereafter  speak  his  name  and  give  it  to  the 
world. 

Tilden  and  Reform  was  what  he  was  hired  for,  and,  oh, 
wouldn’t  he  make  the  party  in  power  wish  it  had  never  come  to 
a head  ? 

He  was  given  a list  of  towns  in  New  York  State,  little  ones 
that  needed  working  up,  and  told  to  sow  the  seed.  He  was 
also  given  something  out  of  one  of  those  “bar’ls  o’  money,”  and 
sent  on  his  way. 

The  first  town  he  struck  was  Yonkers-on-the-Hudson.  The 
moment  he  got  off  at  the  station  his  eye  caught  sight  of  the 


STUMPING  IT. 


Mr.  Buncomebum  gazes  upon  his  name  on  the  posters. 


STUMPING  IT. 


7 


poster  on  which  the  name  of  “ Hon.  Cicero  Buncomebum”  figured 
like  a huckleberry  in  a pan  of  milk. 

Then  bounced  his  noble  heart.  He  could  hardly  wait  for 
night  to  come,  so  eager  was  he  for  the  fray. 

Now  it  so  happened  that  there  was  a Republican  meeting  to 
be  held  that  same  night,  and  some  mischievous  wags  had,  by  the 
assistance  of  paste  and  scissors,  transposed  names  and  lines  from 
one  poster  to  another  until  it  was  so  mixed  that  neither  party 
could  recognize  it. 

I mentioned  that  Buncomebum  had  a way  of  his  own;  that 
he  had  original  methods  of  putting  things,'  and  one  of  these 
original  points  was  to  wait  until  there  was  a lull  in  the  meeting 
and  then  get  right  up  among  the  audience  and  let  off  his 
oratorical  fireworks. 

So  he  resolved  to  keep  shady  and  go  to  the  meeting  that 
night  just  as  though  he  wasn’t  Cicero  Buncomebum,  and  the  first 
opportunity  he  got,  to  leap  to  his  feet  and  electrify  the  multitude, 
who  would  bear  him  on  their  shoulders  to  the  platform. 

So  he  went  to  the  nearest  saloon  and  toned  up  a trifle.  It 
was  nearly  dark,  and  he  walked  out  to  repeat  a few  passages  of 
his  intended  speech  in  the  open  air,  having  previously  learned 
the  locality  of  the  hall,  the  name  of  which  he  had  taken  from  the 
altered  poster. 

At  eight  o’clock  he  sauntered  into  the  hall  like  an  ordinary 
mortal  and  took  a seat  as  near  the  centre  as  he  could  get.  A 
very  respectable,  orderly  gathering  was  present,  but  they  were 
too  quiet,  he  thought.  There  wasn’t  “vim”  enough  in  them. 

So  he  repeated  some  of  the  most  telling  portions  of  his  speech 
to  himself,  and  became  so  engrossed  in  it  that  he  hardly  noticed 
that  the  meeting  had  been  called  to  order  and  that  a glee  club 
was  singing  a rousing  campaign  song 


i 


8 


STUMPING  IT. 


And  he  would  even  address  the  tobacconists  signs  to  get  in  practice. 


Hardly  had  the  last  note  died  away,  before  Cicero  Buncome- 
bum  leaped  to  his  feet. 

“Mr.  Chairman:  It  behoves  every  lover  of  his  country  to 
speak.  The  red-handed  minions  of  a corrupt  government  have 
the  prostrate  South  by  the  throat,  and  their  votes  are  about  to 
be  torn  from  them  by  a pair  of  pincers 

Everybody  turned  to  take  a look  at  him,  and  he  instantly 
saw  that  he  had  made  a hit.  The  very  reason  that  they  did  not 


STUMPING  IT.  9 


applaud  he  thought  was  because  they  were  so  much  startled. 
And  he  was  right. 

“When  in  the  course  of  human  events,  Mr.  Chairman,  it  be- 
comes necessary  for  one  party  to  put  a head  on  another,  by 
elevating  the  head  of  their  own,  a decent  respect  for  the  opinions 
of  the  world  demands  that  we  show  our  hands.” 

Here  somebody  laughed  and  asked  if  his  hands  had  been 
washed  lately.  But  he  paid  no  attention  to  him. 

“Tilden  and  Reform  is  what  the  people  want.” 

“Put  him  out!”  shouted  several. 

“Dry  up  !” 

“Go  shoot  yourself!” 

“Bounce  him !” 

“Run  him!”  and  a hundred  other  cries  completely  drowned 
poor  Buncomebum7s  voice,  and  he  was  floating  there  like  a ship 
in  the  trough  of  the  sea. 

“Mr.  Chairman!77  he  yelled,  at  the  same  time  wondering 
what  the  devil  it  all  meant  anyhow. 

“Fire  him  out ! 77 

The  chairman  vainly  tried  to  restore  order. 

“ Heave  him !”  and  before  he  could  either  understand  or  get 
a hearing,  the  indignant  crowd  fell  upon  and  hustled  him  out  of 
that  hall  on  the  boiled-down  double  quick. 

“Now  git !”  they  yelled,  as  they  persuaded  him  down  stairs 
with  shoe  leather  bouquets. 

“But,  gentleman,  you  mistake  me,”  said  he. 

“Not  much.77 

“I  am  the  Honorable  Cicero  Buncomebum.” 

“Git.” 

“I  was  sent  here  by  the  Democratic  State  Committee.77 

“Well,  this  is  no  Democratic  meeting,  you  old  jackass,”  said 
one  man. 


STUMPING  IT.  11 

“It  isn’t ?” 

“Not  much!  Republican.”  And  a loud  laugh  was  raised  at 
his  look  of  blank  astonishment. 

“ Great  yams  !”  he  exclaimed;  and  turned  sadly  and  thought- 
fully away. 


A BOUNCED  ORATOR. 


But  he  made  no  effort  to  find  out  what  had  caused  the  mis- 
take He  was  sick,  and  so  he  went  to  the  nearest  hotel  he  could 
find,  and  sought  forgetfulness  in  a glass  of  whiskey. 


12  STUMPING  IT. 


Buncomebum  concludes  that  he  has  struck  the  wrong  town,  and  gets  out  of  it. 

The  mistake  was  explained  to  him  the  next  day,  but  he  had 
no  heart  for  Yonkers;  he  only  wanted  to  get  out  of  it  as  speedily 
as  possible. 

The  next  night  he  found  a Democratic  meeting  further  up  the 
river  and  he  went  for  it,  making  sure  he  was  right  and  not 
attempting  any  of  his  dramatic  originality. 

But  he  made  quite  a sensation  by  working  up  his  treatment 
the  night  before;  telling  his  hearers  how  he  had  been  bounced 


STUMPING  IT.  13 


from  a Republican  meeting,  simply  because  they  discovered 
accidentally  that  he  was  for  reform. 

“Now,  fellow  citizens,  I ask,  how  much  longer  this  brutal 
party  is  to  be  tolerated?”  he  said,  with  eloquence  warm  enough 
to  make  a bean  sprout.  “ When  shall  this  yoke  of  tyranny  be 
removed  from  our  necks  and  our  noble  party  put  in  place  and 
power  ? Hear  the  groans  from  the  South ! See  how  the  nigger 
is  cutting  up!  See  how  he  behaved  at  Hamburg!  Look  at  the 
black  scoundrel  in  Mississippi ! Fellow  citizens,  this  coon  must 
be  knocked  on  his  ambitious  head  and  the  white  men  once  more 
given  a chance.  Then  why  stand  we  here  idle?  Our  brethern 
in  Yermont,  Maine,  and  Indiana  have  given  us  an  example  of 
what  they  intend  to  do.  Let  us  brace  up  and  do  likewise.” 

This  sentiment  somehow  failed  to  raise  a cheer,  and  there 
was  some  growling  in  the  audience.  One  or  two  said  Buncome- 
bum  was  an  ass  for  meddling  with  such  tender  subjects  in  public, 
but  on  the  whole  his  speech  was  well  received,  and  he  began  to 
see  the  laurel  wreath  forming  around  his  brows. 

The  next  place  he  was  to  go  to  was  Tarrytown,  and  here  he 
attended  a banner  raising,  made  a speech  and  got  gloriously 
drunk  on  Reform  whiskey,  otherwise  called  “crooked.” 

The  larger  portion  of  the  next  day  was  devoted  to  getting 
the  swelling  out  of  his  head,  after  which  he  hired  a team  to  take 
him  to  a little  village  which  lays  back  from  the  river  a few 
miles. 

There  was  to  be  a meeting  of  a Tilden  club  there,  and  they 
had  applied  to  the  State  committee  to  send  them  a speaker; 
hence  Buncomebum. 

The  driver  knew  little  or  nothing  about  the  place  he  was 
taking  him  to,  only  that  it  was  a little  dead-and-alive,  one- 
horse  affair,  and  so  he  was  obliged  to  depend  upon  whoever  they 
might  chance  to  meet  for  information. 


STUMPING  IT.  15 


The  driver  proved  himself  to  be  one  of  the  Sun’s  “nincom- 
poops/7 for  he  lost  the  way,  and  it  was  dark  before  they  got 
back  to  the  right  road  again.  But  they  found  a tavern  and 
some  apple  jack  which  took  the  cold  out  of  their  bones. 

Finally  they  met  a native  on  the  road,  and  Buncomebum 
hailed  him. 

“I  say,  my  good  man,  are  you  just  from  the  village?77 

“ Wal,  yas,77  was  the  reply. 

“ Going  to  be  a Democratic  meeting  there  to-night,  isn’t 
there  ?77 

“ Yas,  I hearn  somebody  down  ter  the  store  say  as  how 
they  ’spected  somebody  from  York  tu  speechify  them  there 
sommut.77 

“That’s  me.  Goon,  driver,”  said  he,  and  onward  they  went. 

They  arrived  at  the  settlement  a few  minutes  past  eight, 
after  which  further  inquires  were  in  order. 

Meeting  an  old  woman,  Buncomebum  hailed  her. 

“ I say,  my  good  woman,  where  is  the  meeting  being  held  ?” 

“ Oh,  down  tu  the  schule-house — right  down  the  road  thar, 
where  yu  see  them  lights.” 

“ Many  thanks.  Now  drive  on,  for  we  are  late.” 

“ All  right.  Git  up,  Jerry  !”  replied  the  driver. 

“ What  a dead  and  alive  hole  this  is.  Why,  the  whole  place 
seems  to  be  asleep.” 

“ Alius  hearn  they  were  a lot  of  sleepy  heads.” 

“ Ah  ! but  I’ll  wake  them  up,  I’ll  give  them  a dose  they  will 
remember  until  election  day.  Hurry  on.  Ah  ! there  is  the  school- 
house,”  he  said,  as  they  drew  near.  “ Now  don’t  that  look  like 
a political  meeting  ? Instead  of  music,  bonfires,  flags  and  banners 
— why,  they  are  probably  talking  about  the  crops.  All  right. 
Hitch  your  horse  and  come  in  and  see  me  wake  them  up,”  he 
said,  leaping  from  the  carriage. 


16  STUMPING  IT. 


“That’s  me.  Go  ahead,  driver.” 


As  Buncomebum  had  said,  it  looked  very  little  like  a politi- 
cal meeting.  There  were  gathered  probably  fifty  or  seventy- 
five  people,  among  whom  were  several  ladies.  The  evening 
being  cool,  the  windows  were  closed,  and  no  sound  escaped  to 
inform  outsiders  what  was  before  the  meeting. 

But  Buncomebum  stepped  up  upon  a rock  and  took  a look 
into  the  room.  The  assemblage  was  as  quiet  as  a Quaker 


STUMPING  IT. 


17 


meeting.  An  old  chap  occupied  the  teacher’s  desk  on  the  plat- 
form and  appeared  to  be  talking  to  the  others. 

The  sight  fired  Buncomebum,  and  he  resolved  to  impart  some 
of  his  combustion  to  the  audience. 

Leaping  down  from  the  stone  he  made  a dive  for  the  front 
door.  Throwing  it  open,  he  walked  up  the  aisle  with  a swagger 
that  only  a man  can  safely  assume  who  has  either  won  a victory 
or  is  sure  of  winning  one. 


Buncomebum  views  the  field  of  his  proposed  triumph. 


STUMPING  IT.  19 


Placing  his  hat  on  a vacant  seat  and  peeling  off  his  overcoat 
in  a twinkling,  and  amid  the  greatest  wonderment  of  the  assem- 
bled citizens,  he  mounted  the  platform,  and,  greatly  to  the  con- 
sternation of  the  chairman,  banged  his  fist  down  upon  the  desk. 


He  proceeds  to  electrify  the  audience. 


“ Fellow  citizens,  I am  here  !”  he  shouted. 

There  didn’t  appear  to  be  any  doubt  in  the  minds  of  any  of 
them  on  this  point,  but  who  the  devil  he  was,  or  where  he  came 
from  was  another  question. 


20  STUMPING  IT. 


“ My  name  is  Cicero  Buncomebum,  of  New  York.  You  sent 
for  me,  and  I have  come.  I have  come  to  rouse  you  from  the 
lithergy  into  which  you  have  fallen  and  which  seems  to  envelope 
you  like  a pall.” 

Here  he  paused  a moment  to  catch  his  breath,  and  the  people 
looked  wonder ingly  in  each  others  faces.  As  for  the  chairman, 
he  seemed  to  be  paralyzed. 

Fellow  citizens,  what  do  we  seek?  What  is  it  the  country 
needs  most  of  all  ? Why,  Reform.  In  fact,  I might  say  Tilden 
and  Reform.” 

An  audable  groan  escaped  the  people. 

(i  Why  pines  the  American  eagle?  Why  trails  the  star 
spangled  banner  in  the  dust?  Why  is  a nigger  as  good  as  a 
white  man  ? Why  have  we  hard  money  here,  and  hard  work  to 
get  it,  and  soft  money  out  West  with  hard  persuasions  for  more 
of  it  ? Who  is  to  blanle  for  conquering  the  South,  for  running 
in  debt  for  it,  and  for  running  the  risk  of  having  to  pay  the 
Southern  war  debt  ? Who  but  the  party,  reeking  with  spoils  and 
blood,  now  in  power  ?” 

Here  the  chairman  attempted  to  rise,  but  the  blood  of  Bun- 
comebum was  up,  and  starting  towards  him,  more  for  the  pur- 
pose of  striking  an  attitude  than  of  striking  him,  the  frightened 
man  dropped  back  into  his  chair  and  finally  slid  down  and  out 
among  his  fellow  citizens. 

“ My  friends,  this  party  is  now  before  the  country  for  a new 
lease  of  power.  It  is  not  yet  satiated  with  blood  and  spoils. 
But  will  you  lend  your  votes  to  this  howling  malignity  ?” 

The  thought  somehow  struck  the  orator  that  he  was  not  warm- 
ing the  people  up  very  much,  so  he  resolved  to  strike  a higher 
key,  while  two  or  three  of  the  audience  struggled  to  their  feet. 

“ Arouse,  ye  freemen ! Arouse,  ye  slaves,  sons  of  a free  soil ! 
Sons  who  remember  the  good  times  and  the  liberty  you  enjoyed 


STUMPING  IT. 


21 


under  Pierce  and  noble  old  Buchanan,  rouse  now  in  your  might, 
and  with  thunderbolts  in  your  hands,  march  to  the  ballot  box 
and  blast  these  riotous  mutineers  who  now  hold  the  ship  of 
state  on  her  dangerous  course  !” 

This  was  the  proper  place  for  riotous  applause.  If  anything 
could  provoke  it,  that  burst  of  fiery  eloquence  certainly  would. 
But  not  a murmur. 


22 


STUMPING-  IT. 


In  o,  sir,  there  s no  devil  here  i 


STUMPING  IT.  23 


He  looked  at  them  in  surprise,  and  found  them  looking  at 
him  in  the  same  way. 

Finally  one  old  fellow  rose  to  his  feet. 

“I  say,  mister,  do  you  know  where  you  are?” 

“ Why,  in  a political  meeting,  to  be  sure,”  replied  Buncome- 
bum,  in  a lower  key. 

“ No,  sir,  it  is  nothing  of  the  kind.  This  is  a church  meeting 
to  see  about  building  a meeting  house.” 

“ The  devil !”  exclaimed  Buncomebum,  now  completely 
smitten. 

“ No,  sir,  there  is  no  devil  here,  unless  you  are  one,”  cried 
a shri]  1-voiced  old  lady,  rising  and  shaking  a huge  blue  umbrella 
at  him. 

“ There  must  be — that  is  to  say,  there  is  a mistake  some- 
where,” said  the  orator. 

“ Yes,  sir,  and  you  have  insulted  us,”  said  another  indignant 
female. 

“ Well,  really  I—” 

“ Go  away  from  here,  sir,”  said  the  chairman,  who  had 
gathered  courage  enough  to  return  to  his  post. 

“ My  friends,  I am  exceedingly  sorry  that  I have  made  this 
mistake,  but  being  sent  for  to  deliver  a political  speech  to  the 
Democrats  of  this  place,  I arrived  rather  late  and  was  told  that 
the  meeting  was  being  held  here.” 

“ Go  away  !”  came  from  a dozen  voices. 

“Certainly!”  and  taking  up  his  hat  and  coat,  the  sickest 
and  saddest  looking  orator  left  that  house  that  ever  nailed  a 
falsehood. 

He  met  his  driver  at  the  door. 

“Did  yer  wake  ’em  up,  boss?” 

“No,  by  thunder,  they  woke  me  up,”  he  replied,  sadly. 

An  old  fellow  who  followed  him  out  was  appealed  to  to  point 


24  STUMPING  IT. 


Buncomebum  is  put  upon  the  eight  track. 


out  the  exact  location  of  the  Democratic  meeting.  Being  directed 
to  the  village  store,  about  half  a mile  away,  the  carriage  was 
brought  up  and  the  chopfallen  orator  started  again. 

But  ill  luck  was  on  his  track  yet.  The  political  club  had 
assembled  about  dark,  but  hearing  nothing  from  the  expected 
orator,  they  had  gone  home,  swearing  about  the  “ nincompoops” 
who  had  the  Governors  case  in  hand. 

But  he  found  a few  earnest  Democrats  yet  lingering  around 


26  STUMPING  IT. 


the  tavern,  and  after  asking  them  all  to  reform  at  the  bar,  he 
told  them  who  he  was,  and  what  a treat  they  had  lost  by  going 
home  so  soon. 

But  he  failed  to  say  anything  about  the  seed  he  spilled  at 
the  church  meeting. 

However,  where  a few  earnest  souls  are  gathered  together 
in  the  cause  of  reform,  the  spirit  is  generally  found  with  them. 

It  was  so  in  this  case.  A half  dozen  drinks  warmed  up  Bun- 
comebum’s  eloquence  again,  and  he  made  that  bar-room  ring 
with  forensic  thunder.  In  fact,  he  shook  the  bottles  and  glasses 
on  every  shelf. 

Those  reformers  appeared  to  be  all  of  one  mind.  The  spirit 
moved  them  and  they  moved  the  spirit.  It  was  two  o’clock  be- 
fore that  fountain  of  inspiration  ceased  flowing,  and  even  then 
those  who  had  drank  of  it  so  deeply  could  not  tear  themselves 
away.  Some  of  them  slept  in  the  bar-room  and  one  or  two  of 
them  in  the  barn. 

Another  evidence  of  the  power  of  eloquence. 

He  reached  Tarrytown  again  about  noon  the  next  day. 
There  were  bees  in  his  hair,  but  he  simply  felt  himself  a martyr 
to  the  cause  of  reform;  braced  himself  with  a cocktail,  and  then 
sent  the  following  dispatch  to  the  World  and  Sun: 

“ANOTHER  HOST  FOR  TILDEN  AND  REFORM! 

TREMENDOUS  OUTPOURING  AT  SHEEPS  HEAD  CORNERS ! DISMAY 

IN  THE  ENEMIES  RANKS  ! 

The  Honorable  Cicero  Buncomebnm  addressed  the  people  of  Sheeps  Head 
Corners  last  night,  and  by  his  masterly  eloquence  and  fine  cut  logic  succeeded 
in  arousing  the  wildest  enthusiasm  for  Tilden  and  Reform.  Westchester  county 
is  sure.” 

Buncomebum’s  next  objective  point  was  Sing  Sing,  that  place 
so  greatly  endeared  to  many  reformers.  There  was  to  be  a 
banner  raising  there,  and  a meeting  at  Palmer  Hall,  and  who 
could  trot  out  the  eagle  like  our  modern  Cicero  ? 


STUMPING  IT.  27 


A committee  received  him  at  the  depot  and  escorted  him  to 
his  hotel.  They  escorted  him  to  viands  and  to  liquids,  of  which 
he  partook  hopefully. 

It  was  nearly  night  and  the  time  was  pregnant  with  great 


At  Sing  Sing  Buncomebum  is  met  by  the  committee  of  arrangements. 


events.  The  banner  was  all  ready  to  be  run  out;  the  band  was 
on  hand  to  toot,  and  the  people  began  to  assemble  for  the  howl. 

The  speech  of  Buncomebum  on  this  occasion  is  worthy  of 
being  embalmed.  Would  that  I could  embalm  it  in  Shakspearean 


28  STUMPING  IT. 


verse,  or  even  warm  it  over  into  a Whitmanian  epic,  but  I spare 
my  readers. 

And  yet  they  may  not  feel  used  well  if  I leave  that  speech 
out  entirely,  and  so  I give  extracts  of  it  from  the  note-book  of 
a reporter  who  happened  to  be  “ on  the  spot.”  These  trifles  oft- 
times  save  our  reputations. 

But  this  is  how  he  led  off;  the  first  extract  being  quite  as 
strong  as  the  “pure  extract  of  coffee”  which  “my  brother 
manufactures:” 

“ Citizens  of  happy,  proud  America,  behold  the  winning 
card !”  said  he,  pointing  to  the  banner  that  was  just  then  run 
across  the  street.  This,  of  course,  brought  down  the  house,  or 
rather  the  crowd  outside,  and  to  make  the  effect  still  more 
dramatic  the  band  struck  up  “ Bonnie  Blue  Flag,”  at  which 
every  throat  enlarged  from  a cheer  to  a mule-power  yell.  But 
just  as  soon  as  he  could  be  heard  he  continued. 

“Our  sister  states  send  greeting.  Far  away  on  the  southern 
and  western  horizon  the  signal  is  waved — ‘ Hold  the  fort;  we 
are  coming.’  But  we  can  not  hold  the  fort  without  a fight.  We 
have  got  to  reason  with  these  ignorant  Republicans  and  show 
them  how  much  better  the  country  would  have  been  off  to-day 
had  they  never  ruled  it.  Let  us  show  them  our  enterprise,  our 
patriotism,  our  reform,  and  the  many  monuments  of  our  achieve- 
ments. Who  has  made  our  country  great  and  free  ? (a  voice 
in  the  crowd,  “Democrats.”)  Who  has  built  up  her  trade  in 
cotton,  corn,  and  whisky?  (“  Dimicrats,  begorra!”  shouts  an- 
other voice.)  Who  has  built  our  canals,  railroads,  and  great  in- 
stitutions ? (several  voices  in  chorus,  “Dimicrats!”)  Who 
built  even  the  noble  buildings  which  grace  your  beautiful  town?” 
(a  prolonged  yell  of  “ Dimicrats  !”) 

“ Who  fills  it?”  asked  an  unreconstructed  Boy  in  Blue,  and 
instantly  the  same  gang  of  shouters,  not  noticing  but  that  the 


STUMPING  IT. 


29 


“ Behold  the  winning  card  V 


30 


STUMPING  IT. 


question  had  been  put  by  the  inflamible  orator,  shouted  lustily, 
“ Dimicrats !”  and  then  the  band  struck  up  to  smother  the 
confusion. 

Of  course  that  reckless  interrupter  was  instantly  hunted  out 
of  that  crowd  of  patriots. 

But  somehow  the  laugh  which  the  interruption  had  awakened 
took  the  edge  off  of  Buncomebum’s  oratory,  and  so  the  managers 
resorted  to  fireworks  and  kept  the  band  tooting. 

However,  the  “ raising  ” was  a success,  and  before  he  retired 
for  the  night  Cicero  sent  another  wild  and  encouraging  tele- 
graphic dispatch  to  the  “ independent  press  ” and  other  friendly 
organs,  showing  up  the  great  gathering  in  glowing  colors. 

It  was  late  that  night  before  an  opportunity  of  sleeping  came. 
There  was  a gathering  of  the  hungry  and  the  thirsting,  at  which 
many  a sandwich  and  many  a resolution  to  swear  off  was 
spoiled. 

But  there  are  mischievous  fellows  in  Sing  Sing  as  well  as 
elsewhere,  and  as  they  chanced  to  be  mostly  on  the  opposite 
side  in  politics,  they  concluded  to  play  a joke  on  the  great 
orator. 

A lot  of  Boys  in  Blue  got  together  about  midnight  and 
marched  to  BuncomebunTs  hotel.  They  sang  one  or  two  Tilden 
songs,  gave  several  cheers,  and  called  for  the  great  orator. 
His  ambitious  ears  heard  and  his  fluttering  heart  responded. 
Hastily  giving  orders  for  a collation,  he  slipped  on  his  clothes  and 
appeared  on  the  piazza  of  the  hotel. 

And  then  such  a cheer  went  up,  and  they  asked  him  to  re- 
peat his  speech.  All  great  men  are  more  or  less  susceptible  to 
flattery,  and  why  not  Buncomebum?  Was  he  not  reaping  politi- 
cal honors  by  the  armfull  ? 

He  thought  so  and  proceeded  to  repeat  his  speech  as  nearly 
as  he  could  remember  it,  after  which  they  asked  him  to  sing  a 


STUMPING  IT.  31 

song.  This  was  rather  more  than  he  could  do,  to  tell  the  truth, 
but  his  great  ambitious  had  stomach  for  everything,  and  so  he 
attempted  to  sing  a song. 


It  wasn't  a very  great  vocal  success,  but  the  Boys  were 


Buncomebum  sends  a telegram  to  the  friendly  press. 


bound  to  cheer  him  and  they  did,  after  which  he  asked  them 
into  the  hotel  to  stimulate  and  brace  up  at  his  expense. 

By  this  time  quite  a crowd  had  assembled  and  they  made 
that  hotel  resemble  a last  year's  birds  nest  in  less  than  five 


32  STUMPING  IT. 


minutes,  and  while  this  was  going  on  several  of  the  fellows  who 
had  put  up  the  job  got  around  Buncomebum  and  congratulated 
him  upon  his  speech  at  the  “ raising.” 

It  was  the  proudest  moment  of  his  life. 

But  a change  came  suddenly  over  the  spirit  of- his  dream, 
for  one  of  the  party  called  for  three  cheers  for  Hayes  and 
Wheeler,  and  the  response  nearly  raised  the  roof  and  broke  the 
windows.  It  did  raise  Buncomebum’s  hair. 

“ What  does  this  mean,  gentlemen  ?”  he  asked. 

“We  came  to  congratulate  you,”  was  the  reply. 

“ Yes,  but — ” 

At  that  instant  a lively  Republican  campaign  song  was  struck 
up  and  the  Boys  began  to  march  around  him  in  a circle.  Cicero 
was  confounded.  What  the  devil  did  it  mean  anyhow  ? He  put 
in  expostulations^  pantomine,  but  no  words  could  get  on  top 
of  that  song,  and  before  it  was  finished  the  crowd  marched 
away,  leaving  the  chopfallen  orator  in  a state  of  bewilderment 
and  collapse. 

He  appealed  to  the  landlord,  but  he  said  “ Boys  will  be 
boys,  you  know.” 

“Yes,  but,  confound  it,  they  were  Boys  in  Blue,”  said 
Cicero. 

“ Well,  they  are  good  eaters  and  drinkers  anyway.” 

“ Yes,  but  they  have  been  doing  all  this  at  my  expense.” 

“You  are  right,  speech  and  all.” 

“ Landlord,  say  nothing  about  it.  Here  is  a draft  on  the 
State  Committee  for  damages.  Wake  me  in  time  for  the  first 
train  in  the  morning.” 

With  a sad  heart  Buncomebum  went  to  his  chilled  bed  once 
more.  But  he  could  not  help  thinking  that  he  had  made  a mis- 
take, and  that  it  would  become  noised  abroad  and  fracture  his 
usefulness. 


STUMPING  IT. 


33 


“Boys  will  be  boys,  you  know/ 


34 


STUMPING  IT. 


But  he  got  out  of  Sing  Sing  before  anybody  was  astir  to  guy 
him  on  his  selling,  and  going  as  far  up  the  river  as  Hudson,  he 
crossed  over  into  Green  County  and  went  for  Athens. 

Of  all  the  doubled  up  towns  that  a person  ever  met,  this  is 


Buncomebum  gets  out  or  Sing  Sing. 


the  boss.  Not  only  are  its  citizens  doubled  up,  but  everything 
connected  with  the  place  has  a tendency  to  go  “ two  ” bad. 
You  feel  while  in  Athens  that  it  was  cut  out  or  set  out  for  a 
city,  but  frosty  circumstances  nipped  it  in  the  bud. 


STUMPING  IT. 


35 


But,  after  all,  it  is  no  slouch  of  a place.  It’s  greatest  fault 
being,  perhaps,  that  its  citizens  are  very  ardent  Democrats  and 
very  jealous  of  their  peculiar  institutions. 

It  was  at  first  thought  that  it  would  be  a waste  of  raw 
material  to  send  a campaign  speaker  to  Athens,  but  learning 
that  a Hayes  and  Wheeler  club  had  been  formed  there,  and 
fearing  that  its  influence  might  disturb  the  old-time  Democratic 
majorities,  they  concluded  to  send  Buncomebum  there  to  keep 
things  straight. 

Now  the  reputation  of  this  orator  had  reached  a few  of  the 
Boys  in  Blue  at  Athens,  especially  that  part  of  it  relating  to 
his  great  success  at  Yonkers,  and  they  at  once  concluded  to  have 
some  fun  to  relieve  the  tedium  of  the  campaign. 

With  this  end  in  view,  as  soon  as  it  became  known  that  he 
was  to  speak  there,  they  began  to  lay  wires.  First  they  praised 
him  in  such  a way  as  to  lead  strangers  to  their  racket  to  believe 
that  he  was  really  a Republican  speaker  in  disguise,  and  to  think 
that  an  oratorical  Nasby  would  be  found  in  him  who  would  flay 
the  Democrats  alive,  while  pretending  to  be  their  mouthpiece 
and  one  of  them. 

This  soon  had  the  desired  effect,  and  by  the  time  Buncomebum 
arrived  in  the  place  the  Democratic  element  had  been  worked  up 
to  its  highest  pitch  of  feeling,  and  hundreds  of  them  had  secretly 
resolved  to  drop  on  him  the  moment  his  irony  showed  itself. 

The  managers  of  course  knew  better  than  this,  for  they  were 
in  correspondence  with  the  State  Committee,  and  felt  confident 
that  they  would  not  send  them  any  but  a thoroughbred  Democrat 
for  a speaker.  But  the  masses  had  got  it  into  their  heads  that 
he  was  a Nasby,  and  nothing  would  convince  them  to  the  con- 
trary, since  the  Boys  in  Blue  were  so  exultant  at  his  coming. 

The  meeting  had  been  well  advertised,  and  as  he  was  the  first 


36 


STUMPING  IT. 


big  gun  that  had  come  to  them,  there  was  a big  gathering,  in- 
cluding a torch  light  trot  and  a band  of  music  from  Hudson. 

Buncomebum  never  felt  better  in  his  life.  The  effect  of  his 
escapade  at  Sing  Sing  had  been  wiped  from  his  mind  by  sundry 
cock  tails,  and  his  eagle  of  eloquence  felt  as  though  some  new 
feathers  were  on  the  point  of  springing  out  for  this  especial 
occasion. 

One  or  two  speeches  were  made  by  the  local  war-horse;  one 
or  two  songs  had  been  sung;  the  band  had  struggled  with  several 
patriotic  airs,  and  finally  the  Honorable  Cicero  Buncomebum 
was  introduced. 

Quite  a reception  was  accorded  him,  but  the  dissatisfied  of 
the  unwashed  noticed  that  the  Boys  in  Blue  who  had  gathered 
in  large  numbers  were  even  louder  than  the  Democrats  in  their 
cheers,  and  this  rekindled  their  suspicions. 

The  imported  orator  began  as  follows: 

“ Mr.  Chairman:  Fellow  Democrats;  for  fifteen  years  our  be- 
loved country  has  languished  in  the  grasp  of  our  enemies.  For 
fifteen  years  the  riotous  mutineers  have  feasted  and  battened 
upon  her  vitality,  and  now  all  good  men,  east,  west,  north,  and 
south  propose  to  unite  for  disenthrallment  ” 

A few  cheers  greeted  this  burst,  but  the  suspicious  ones  asked 
each  other  what  “disenthrallment”  meant.  Wasn’t  there  some 
hidden  meaning  in  the  big  word  ? 

“ It  would  be  a waste  of  time  to  review  the  deeds  of  the 
Republican  party.  They  are  engraven  on  the  tablets  of  our 
country’s  history  and  punctuated  by  graves  all  the  way  from 
the  beautiful  Hudson  to  the  rolling  Rio  Gfrand.  And  what  do 
they  propose  to  do  if  the  country  is  foolish  enough  to  trust  them 
with  another  term  of  power  ? Why,  to  keep  the  negro  the  poli- 
tical equal  of  the  white  man ; to  make  it  still  more  impossible  for 


38 


STUMPING  IT. 


us  to  return  to  the  old  condition  of  things,  and  continue  to  steal 
the  money  that  belongs  to  us.’7 

This  was  sound  Democratic  doctrine,  but  still  the  suspicious 
ones  refused  to  applaud  it,  believing  that  he  was  only  a Repub- 
lican in  disguise.  One  or  two  even  went  so  far  as  to  construe 
the  last  remark  into  an  insult  and  several  of  them  hissed.  But 
as  this  was  supposed  to  come  from  Republicans,  no  notice  was 
taken  of  it. 

“ Of  course,77  he  continued,  “ we  must  expect  a few  hisses 
when  a nest  of  scorpions  are  disturbed.  But,  my  friends,  who 
was  responsible  at  the  start  for  our  trouble  with  the  South  ? Who 
but  these  very  Republicans  who  have  been  waving  aloft  the 
“ bloody  shirt”  ever  since.  Didn7t  they  preach  against  slavery 
and  make  the  South  mad  ? Didn’t  they  bully  the  South  by  electing 
Lincoln  ? Didn’t  they  fairly  badger  them  into  open  warfare,  and 
then,  in  spite  of  all  that  we  could  do,  didn’t  they  whip  her  ?77 

“ You  be  damned  !77  shouted  five  or  six  of  the  suspicious  ones. 

“ I will , if  it  isn’t  true,77  replied  the  speaker. 

“ You  are  a fraud?77  they  shouted,  and  a storm  of  hisses 
followed. 

“ And  you  are  Republicans,  which  amounts  to  about  the  same 
thing.77 

‘‘  Dry  up  ! We  know  you  !’7  they  yelled,  and  the  chairman 
had  to  come  to  the  rescue. 

After  partial  quiet  had  been  restored  this  officer  conferred 
with  Buncomebum  and  told  him  of  the  suspicions  of  some  of  the 
faithful. 

“ Great  Jackson  ! Suspect  me  of  being  a Republican?”  said 
Buncomebum,  astonished. 

“ Better  try  them  on  finance,”  said  the  chairman,  “for  if  there 
is  anything  they  like,  it  is  that.” 

“ All  right.  My  friends,  let  us  pass  these  very  unpleasant 


STUMPING  IT.  39 


facts  for  a moment  and  consider  the  finances  and  business  of  the 
country.  And  in  looking  at  them,  what  do  we  find?  We  find 
that  the  bone  of  labor  is  soft,  the  sinew  relaxed  for  want  of 
work,  and  that  the  whole  country  is  being  sucked  dry  by  taxes 


The  chairman  had  to  come  to  the  rescue. 


to  support  this  corrupt  government,  and  to  pay  for  the  fun  it  had 
in  subjugating  the  South.  And  when  we  look  at  the  Cincinnati 
platform  we  there  behold  the  audacious  proposition  to  pay  these 
enormous  war  debts,  without  paying  that  of  the  South,  and  to  do 
so  in  hard  money ! Think  of  it !” 


40 


STUMPING  IT. 


It  began  to  rain — rotten  eggs. 


STUMPING  IT.  41 

- 

“ Go  shoot  yourself!”’  yelled  a doubter  of  his  honesty. 

“ Jump  into  the  river  and  swim  out !” 

" Bounce  him  !” 

“ Hustle  him !” 

“*Run  him  !” 

“ He’s  a black  Bepublican  !” 

“ He’s  a fraud  !” 

“ Git!”  and  other  complimentary  expressions  of  the  crowd's 
feelings  greeted  him,  and  then  it  began  to  rain  rotten  eggs  and 
torches. 

Poor  Buncomebum  was  highly  perfumed  and  utterly  con- 
founded. He  got  behind  the  chairman  who  was  trying  to  restore 
order  and  receiving  the  unmarketable  hen  fruit  so  that  the 
orator  might  have  a chance  to  wipe  off  and  get  his  breath. 

Finding  that  order  was  a hard  thing  to  get  at,  he  scooped  a 
rotten  egg  from  his  north  eye  and  yelled  to  the  band  to  play 
something  soothing. 

They  started  to  play  “ Marching  through  Georgia,”  but  this 
being  also  construed  as  an  insult,  the  crowd  became  wild  and 
charged  upon  the  stand.  They  tipped  it  over;  spilled  the  officers 
and  orators;  drove  the  band  leader’s  head  through  the  head  of 
the  bass  drum,  and  in  various  other  ways  had  a good  time. 

But  a riot  was  kindled  that  promised  more  than  the  usual 
number  of  broken  heads,  and  so  the  fire  bells  were  rung  and  the 
stream  from  a steamer  turned  upon  the  crowd. 

This  had  the  effect  of  dispersing  and  at  the  same  time  washing 
off  several  of  the  victims  and  belligerents.  But  it  was  a sorry 
ending  to  so  large  a meeting,  and  all  on  account  of  those  mis- 
chievous Boys  in  Blue. 

As  a natural  consequence  the  majority  of  the  assemblage 
gathered  at  the  nearest  hotel,  and  there  compared  notes,  jawed, 
and  asked  questions.  As  for  Buncomebum,  he  was  nowhere  to 


STUMPING  IT.  43 


be  found.  It  somehow  occurred  to  him  that  he  had  made  a sad 
mistake  and  had  attempted  to  address  the  wrong  meeting. 

A committee  was  finally  appointed  to  look  him  up,  and  while 
they  were  out,  the  chairman  reorganized  the  meeting  after  a 


The  firemen  succeed  in  dispersing  the  crowd. 


fashion  and  tried  to  find  out  the  cause  of  the  disturbance.  Some 
said  one  thing  and  some  another,  but  the  general  idea  was  that 
Buncomebum  was  a Republican  in  disguise  and  had  been  making 
fun  of  them. 


44  STUMPING  IT. 


The  chairman  attempted  to  defend  the  great  orator  who  had 
won  so  many  laurels  on  the  stump,  but  with  poor  success,  and 
so  another  speaker  was  called  on  to  wind  up  the  proceedings, 
which  he  proceeded  to  do  without  music,  since  the  band  had 
gone  home  wet,  out  of  tune,  and  disgusted. 

The  committee  found  Buncomebum  at  the  telegraph  office, 
where  he  was  just  sending  the  following  dispatch  to  friendly 
New  York  papers: 

“GREEN  COUNTY  WIDE  AWAKE! 

TREMENDOUS  ENTHUSIASM  OF  THE  PEOPLE ! — ATTEMPT  OF  THE 

REPUBLICANS  TO  BREAK  UP  A DEMOCRATIC  MEETING  ! ITS 

COMPLETE  FAILURE  ! 

Athens,  Oct.  8. — Honorable  Cicero  Buncomebum  addressed  last  night  the 
largest  out-door  gathering  of  Democrats  that  ever  assembled  in  Green  County. 
A band  of  music  and  a torchlight  procession  graced  the  occasion,  and  there  was  no 
mistaking  the  fact  that  the  people  are  for  Tilden  and  Reform.  An  ineffectual 
attempt  was  made  by  some  Republican  hirelings  to  break  up  the  meeting,  but 
the  indignant  citizens  turned  upon  and  drove  them  away,  after  which  the  meeting 
went  on.” 

The  committee  said  that  was  all  right  and  showed  great 
genius,  but  no  arguments  which  they  could  use  would  induce  him 
to  return  and  assist  further  with  the  meeting.  He  said  they  had 
evidently  made  a mistake  and  it  wasn’t  worth  while  to  stir  up 
more  bile  or  unsavory  eggs  by  again  appearing  before  them. 
They  had  his  heartiest  sympathies,  but  he  thought  he  had  done 
enough  for  that  night.  Besides,  he  wanted  to  go  to  his  hotel  and 
brush  up  a bit  and  get  ready  for  a start  next  morning. 

And  thus  ended  his  experiences  upon  the  stump  at  Athens. 
It  didn’t  make  him  very  proud,  and  to  tell  the  truth,  he  wasn’t 
having  the  best  of  luck  generally.  So  he  communed  with  him- 
self to  see  if  he  hadn’t  better  try  another  style  of  oratory. 

The  next  morning  he  received  a dispatch  from  the  committee 
to  go  to  Little  Falls  and  spread  himself  on  the  finance  question. 

Now  almost  anything  else  in  the  world  was  in  his  line  with 


STUMPING  IT.  45 


the  exception  of  finances.  It  was  something  he  knew  nothing 
about.  During  his  whole  professional  career  at  the  bar,  he  had 
never  been  possessed  of  cash  enough  to  study  upon  successfully. 
True,  he  had  borrowed  from  a great  many  people,  but  the  sums 


were  so  small  that  he  couldn’t  work  them  into  a financial  study 
to  save  his  life. 

But  what  he  lacked  in  experience  or  study  he  had  the  happy 
iaculty  of  making  up  for  with  cheek.  It  had  taken  him  through 


46  STUMPING  IT. 


many  a rough  place,  and  why  should  he  hesitate  or  doubt  its 
potency  now  ? 

Without  loss  of  time  he  took  the  cars  for  Albany,  and  from 
there  to  Little  Falls,  on  the  Central  road,  where  he  found  a com- 


mittee of  one  waiting  to  show  him  over  the  smart  little  village, 
introduce  him  to  his  hotel  and  some  of  the  “ leading  Democrats ” 
of  the  place. 

By  seven  o’clock  that  evening  these  leading  Dem’s  had  led 


STUMPING  IT.  47 

Buncomebum  up  to  so  many  different  bottles  that  his  ideas  be- 
came somewhat  confused,  especially  on  anything  that  related  to 
finance. 

But  still  he  trusted  in  his  cheek.  In  fact,  the  oftener  he 
drank  the  greater  became  his  confidence  in  this  quality  of  his 
genius.  Besides  this,  he  considered  himself  a true  orator,  and 
believing  that  he  was  one  of  those  gifted  creatures,  would  not 
wisdom  come  to  crown  his  eloquence  ? “ Hie!  ’Course  er  will.” 

The  inhabitants  assembled  in  the  town  hall  to  be  enlightened. 
The  horny-handed  sons  of  toil  were  there  to  partake  of  cliopped- 
up  wisdom,  and  so,  also,  were  several  boys  and  one  or  two  dogs. 
It  was  a full  house  and  an  organization  was  speedily  effected, 
after  which  the  chairman  proceeded  to  eulogize  the  Honorable 
Cicero  Buncomebum  who  had  come  to  instruct  them  upon  the 
issues  of  the  campaign,  and  more  especially  upon  the  state  of 
trade  and  finance. 

Buncomebum  felt  like  making  an  oratorical  flight;  but  his 
tongue  was  rather  thick  and  his  ideas  so  confused  that  it  was 
eminently  uncertain  where  he  would  land,  even  if  he  did  succeed 
in  soaring.  But  bracing  himself,  he  began: 

“ Fellow  citizens:  {Me  !)  the  ’Public  is  in  danger!  Put  none 
but  Americans  on  guard ! And  freedom  shrieked  as  Koskiasco 
fell ! {Me  !) 

A few  young  fellows  in  the  lower  end  of  the  hall  thought 
they  saw  something  funny  about  the  orator,  and  laughed. 

Buncomebum  braced  himself  up,  closed  one  eye  as  if  to  con- 
centrate his  vision  upon  the  offenders,  and  then  finally  said,  with 
a hiccough,  “ ’Course  she  did  !” 

This  brought  down  the  house. 

“ But,  my  fren’s,  wha’s  the  enevitable  consequences  ?”  he 
shouted,  and  again  they  laughed. 


V 


Buncomebum  expounding  the  currency  question. 


STUMPING  IT.  49 


“ If  ten  mills  make  one  cent,  does  it  not  follow  that  ten  cents 
on  a dollar,  hard  money  ?” 

This  time  the  assemblage  yelled.  It  was  evident  that  an 
evening’s  fun  was  in  store  for  them. 

“ How  is  it  with  soft  money?  (hie/)  Does  anybody  doubt 

it?” 

Shouts  of ‘‘No!  No ! G-o  it,  old  man!” 

This  encouraged  him,  and  he  sailed  in. 

“ To  be — be  certainly  not.  What  have  our  opponents  to 
say  for  themselves  ? (hie  !)  Don’t  they  yell  for  the  ‘ rag  baby  ’ 
and  the  ‘bloody  shirt?’  Don’t  that  prove  it?  ’Course  it  does!” 
and  in  giving  a gesticular  flourish  to  this  poin  the  got  his  legs 
crossed  and  tumbled  over  into  the  chairman’s  lap. 

“ Oh,  beg  pardon,  I — I tripped  on  the  carpet,”  said  he,  but 
the  crowd  saw  how  it  was  and  laughed,  while  a few  hissed 
roundly. 

This  appeared  to  wake  him  up  somewhat. 

“ My  friends,  (hie!)  because  I am  lame  and  a great  deal  over- 
worked, it’s  no  sign  that  you  should  laugh  or  think  something 
else,”  said  he. 

This  brought  out  an  encouraging  cheer,  and  he  proceeded. 

“ As  I was  saying,  the  Republicans  are  so  inconsistent  as  to 
want  hard  money  all  over  the  country.  Not  content  with  giving 
us  hard  times,  they  now  wish  to  cap  the  climax  of  their  incom- 
pitency  by  giving  us  hard  money*  How  is  it  with  us  ? We  are 
more  ’commodating.  We  want  the  States  to  settle  that  question 
themselves.  If  the  West  wishes  soft  money,  let  ’em  have  it; 
and  if  the  East  wants  hard  money,  good  enough.  Our  candi- 
dates and  our  platform  will  accommodate  all  classss.” 

This  somehow  failed  to  get  any  applause,  and  the  older  ones 
present  concluded  that  it  was  a better  argument  for  the  Republi- 
cans than  for  the  Democrats. 


50  STUMPING  IT. 


“Look  at  our  great  Centennial  Exhibition!  Isn’t  that  a 
Democratic  child?  You  bet.  It  would  have  been  postponed 
until  the  next  hundred  years  if  the  Democratic  House  of  Rep- 
resentatives hadn’t  taken  the  matter  in  hand.” 

This  was  applauded  for  a square  fact. 

“ My  friends,  the  difference  between  hard  and  soft  money  is 
neatly  illustrated  by  a little  story  that  came  into  existance  in 
my  boyhood  days,  in  a little  village  in  this  good  old  county. 
An  old  farmer  had  two  daughters,  one  with  black  eyes  and  one 
with  blue.  This  farmer  was  a nice  old  fellow,  always  voted  the 
Democratic  ticket.  I remember  hearing  him  say  once  on  elec- 
tion day  that  he  didn’t  care  a darn  for  any  of  their  new-fashioned 
candidates;  he  had  always  voted  for  Andrew  Jackson  and  he 
always  should.  Yery  pig-headed  old  fellow,  but  honest.  They 
tried  to  make  him  believe  once  that  Jackson  was  dead,  but  he 
said  it  was  only  a campaign  lie  and  deposited  his  written  ballot 
for  Andrew  Jackson,  although  they  were  only  voting  for  gov- 
ernor and  town  officers.” 

Hs  seemed  to  be  wandering  from  his  story. 

“ Well,  as  I was  saying,  that  goes  to  show  it.  The  more  a 
man  puts  down  the  less  he  takes  up  under  this  political  adminis- 
teration.”  {Hie  /) 

The  audience  waited  for  a moment,  while  he  surprised  his 
throat  with  a glass  of  water,  expecting  to  hear  the  story,  but  as 
he  began  to  launch  out  in  an  entirely  different  direction,  they 
laughed,  shouted  and  hissed  for  a minute  or  two. 

Buncomebum  balanced  himself  and  ogled  them,  but  that  failed 
to  calm  them  at  all. 

“ Gentlemen,  this  is  not  the  first  time  during  this  1 aggres- 
sive canvass  ’ that  I have  been  hissed  and  assailed  by  Republi- 
cans for  telling  the  truth,  and  I wish  it  to  be  distinctly  under 
stood  that  I am  not  to  be  intimidated  now. 


STUMPING  IT. 


51 


Emphasizing  on  the  Chairman. 


T JLDEN 

SC 

REFORM 

DEMOCRAT'S  , 

ONTO  VICTORY!  _ 
VOTE  F OR  THE  GREAT 
PO  LITICAl_?C  SOCIAL- 

K 


52 


STUMPING  IT. 


This  stopped  the  hissing  and  increased  the  laughing. 

“ The  Republicans  go  before  the  country  on  a hard  money 
scow,  and  it  will  sink  ’em.  What  we  want  is  a plenty  of  green- 
backs and  good  faith.  You  can  carry  a million  dollars  in  green- 


They  laughed,  shouted,  and  hissed  for  a minute  or  two. 


backs  in  your  pockets,  but  could  you  carry  a million  of  hard 
dollars  that  way  ? And  don’t  that  prove  it  ? Our  Revolutionary 
fathers  fought,  bled,  and  died  on  greenbacks,  and  what  was  good 
enough  for  them  is  good  enough  for  you  and  me.  Don’t  that 


* 


STUMPING  IT.  53 


prove  it  ? Gold  is  a comodity.  Do  we  want  comodities  ? Let 
the  shade  of  S.  Wright  and  A.  Hamilton  answer.” 

Another  burst  of  applause  and  a bursting  off  of  buttons  fol- 
lowed, during  which  the  chairman  rose  and  came  to  the  front. 

“ One  moment,  if  you  please.  The  honorable  gentleman  ap- 
pears to  be  somewhat  mixed  to  night,”  said  he, 

“ That’s  because  he’s  mixed  his  drinks,”  shouted  some  one, 
at  which  there  was  a laugh. 

“ I guess  that  perhaps  it  would  be  as  well  to  rest  the  case 
here  and  pass  a resolution  of  thanks  for  the  able  manner  in 
which  he  has  expounded  the  financial  question  to  the  citizens  of 
Little  Falls.” 

“ Yes,  yes  !”  cried  a few  voices.  / 

“ No,  no  !”  yelled  the  majority.  “ Let  him  go  on  and  give 
us  our  money’s  worth.” 

In  the  confusion  the  chairman  fell  back  and  once  more  occu- 
pied the  chair. 

“My  friends,  I bow  to  the  will  of  the  people,  Vox  Populi 
vox  Dei!”  said  he,  with  much  fervor,  and  another  cheer 
followed. 

“ Tell  us  that  story  !” 

“ Sing  us  a song  !” 

“ Turn  a flip-flap  !” 

“ Stand  on  your  head  !”  and  other  calls  greated  him. 

“ I move  he  be  put  out!”  shouted  an  old  man  who  didn’t 
believe  in  making  light  of  serious  things. 

But  he  was  hissed  down  and  Cicero  came  boldly  to  the  front 
again. 

“That  man  is  undoubtedly  a Republican,”  said  he,  with- 
eringly. 

“ No  I arn’t.  I’m  a good  Democrat,  and  that’s  more  than 
aught  to  be  said  of  you,”  said  the  old  chap. 


54  STUMPING  IT. 


“ Well,  my  friends,  we’ll  forgive  him.  As  I was  saying,  be- 
fore this  interruption:  we  had  good  times  and  good  money  under 
Democratic  administrations,  and  the  people  are  determined  to 
have  Tilden  and  Reform.  I see  you  are  all  worked  up  to  the 
proper  pitch  and  so  I will  not  address  you  further.” 


THE  DISTINGUISHED 

Democratic 


“ The  honorable  gentleman  appears  to  be  somewhat  mixed  to  night,”  said  he. 


Cries  of  “ Go  on  !”  resounded  through  the  hall. 

“ I can  not.  My  great  labors  in  speaking  every  night  thus 
far  during  the  campaign  tell  upon  me,  and  I must  rest.  But  the 


STUMPING  IT.  55 


electric  spark  shall  bear  to  the  Democratic  millions  in  New  York 
the  glad  tidings  of  your  enthusisam  in  the  cause  of  Reform.  One 
word  more.  Remember  Robinson,  our  candidate  for  Governor. 
He  is  a splendid  man.  He  does  not  boast  of  a war  record,  for 
what  good  are  such  things  anyway  ? He  trained  with  the  Repub- 
licans until  he  found  out  that  they  did  not  gratify  the  longings 
of  his  patriotic  heart,  and  then  he  came  over  to  us.  He  is  a 
man  to  be  trusted,  for  we  know  that  he  won’t  go  back  to  the 
Republicans  again,  and  we  don’t  know  what  moment  Morgan 
may  come  over  to  us. 

“ And  this  reminds  me  of  a good  story.” 

A wild  laughing  cheer  arose  at  this  and  cries  of  “ Story  !” 
“ Story  !”  rang  through  the  hall. 

“ All  right.  There  was  once  an  old  farmer — ” 

This  allusion  produced  another  roar. 

“ An  old  farmer  who  had  two  daughters.” 

He  could  hardly  be  heard  for  the  noise. 

“ One  of  them  had  black  and  the  other  blue  eyes.  Well, 
this  old  farmer  harnessed  up  his  old  nag  one  day  to  go  into  the 
village  to  vote.  He  voted  and  also  got  very  drunk.” 

Another  shout. 

‘ ‘ Good  men  sometimes  get  drunk,  you  know.  “ Well,  he  started 
for  home  in  the  afternoon,  but  fell  asleep  in  his  wagon  and  the 
old  horse  walked  along  feeding  on  the  grass  by  the  side  of  the 
road.  Finally  a tramp  came  along,  and  seeing  how  matters  were 
he  unharnessed  the  horse,  and  mounting  him,  rode  away.  When 
the  old  fellow  awoke  it  was  nearly  dark  and  he  could  not  account 
for  his  situation,  and  while  scratching  his  head  over  it  a neigh- 
bor came  along  and  asked  what  the  trouble  was. 

“ Wal,”  said  the  old  man,  “ I’m  not  certin  that  there’s  any 
trouble  at  all.  But  I feel  sure  of  one  thing  or  another;  either 
somebody’s  stole  my  ole  mare,  or  I’ve  found  somebody’s  waggin.” 


56 


STUMPING  IT. 


An  old  farmer  who  had  two  daughters.' 


58 


STUMPING  IT. 


“This,  my  friends,  illustrates  the  situation,”  said  he  and  re- 
tired to  a vacant  chair. 

Three  cheers,  a loud  laugh,  and  a few  hisses  were  his  rewards, 
for  what  the  two  daughters  had  to  do  with  the  story,  or  the  story 
to  do  with  the  political  situation  or  anything  that  he  had  said, 
was  more  than  they  could  understand. 

But  they  had  enjoyed  more  fun  then  ever  a political  speaker 
gave  them  before,  and  they  left  the  ball  reluctantly. 

As  for  the  committee,  they  thougJit  about  reporting  him  to 
the  State  Committee,  but  having  read  the  flaming  dispatch  which 
he  sent  to  the  Albany,  Syracuse,  Rochester,  and  New  York 
papers,  they  concluded  to  let  the  matter  drop. 

Buncomebum  never  knew  about  the  points  he  made  that 
night,  but  concludes  that  his  genius  helped  him  along,  as  it  cer- 
tainly did,  and  he  is  still  on  the  stump,  going  from  town  to  town 
in  the  cause  of  Tilden  and  Reform.  And  if  any  of  my  readers 
happen  to  hear  him  I hope  they  will  continue  the  send-off  I have 
tried  to  give  him  in  this  little  book. 


THE  END. 


COLLIN  & SMALL’S  LIST  OP  PUBLICATIONS. 


Joining  the  Grangers. 

JOINING  THE  GRANGERS.  By  Bricktop,  illustrated  by  Worth.  64  pages,  8vo, 
price  25  cents. 

This  is  one  of  the  jolliest  of  adventures  of  a the  Illustrations  are  worth  five  times  the  price 
politician  trying  to  “ get  in  ” with  the  Grangers  of  the  book.  “ Joining  the  Grangers  ” has  made 
for  the  purpose  of  serving  his  country.  Even  a sensational  hit. 

Farming  for  Fun;  or,  Back-Yard  Grangers. 

FARMING  FOR  FUN;  or,  BACK-YARD  GRANGERS.  By  Bricktop,  illustrated 
by  Worth.  64  pages,  8vo,  price  25  cents. 

Uniform  with  “Joining  the  Grangers.”  This  thousands  of  those  who  read  it  will  mentally 
laughable  story,  the  experiences  of  Timothy  exclaim:  ••  I’ve  been  there  !”  Farmers  can  see 
Budd  and  his  wife  at  city  gardening,  is  one  of  how  city  people  imitate  them,  and  city  farmers 
the  best  we  have  ever  issued,  which  is  saying  can  see  themselves  in  poor  Budd,  as  othekssee 
enough  to  those  who  have  read  our  publica-  them.  Depend  upon  it,  it  is  worth  reading,  and 
tions.  It  is  brimful  of  fun  and  sensation,  and  as  a guide  for  amateur  farmers  it  is  invaluable. 

Parson  Beecher  and  His  Horse. 

PARSON  BEECHER  AND  HIS  HORSE.  By  Bricktop,  illustrated  by  Worth.  96 
pages,  8vo,  price  25  cents. 

One  of  the  most  successful  books  of  the  tone  and  sentiment,  yet  brimful  of  fresh,  bril- 
period.  Eighty  thousand  copies  sold.  “Par-  liant  humor  and  laughable  situations — the 
son  Beecher  and  His  Horse  ” is,  from  beginning  author  claiming  it  to  be  the  best  of  his  many 
to  end,  a thoroughly  enjoyable  book,  suitable  humorous  productions, 
for  every  household,  being  unexceptional  in 

Fred  Douglass  and  His  Mule. 

FRED  DOUGLASS  AND  HIS  MULE.  By  Bricktop.  96  pages,  8vo,  price  25  cents. 

Companion  to  “Parson  Beecher  and  His  sale,  and  become  quite  as  popular  as  “Parson 
Horse.”  The  story  of  Fred  Douglass  and  his  Beecher  and  His  Horse.”  The  book  is  printed 
Mule  is  one  of  the  best  humorous  books  relative  in  large,  clear  type,  and  contains  over  thirty 
to  the  war  that  has  ever  been  written,  being  re-  side-splitting  illustrations  by  Hopkins,  any  one 
plete  with  adventures  that  will  be  sure  to  of  which  is  worth  the  price  of  the  book.  Don’t 
awaken  the  risibles  of  every  one  who  reads  it,  fail  to  read  it ! 
and  it  will  undoubtedly  have  quite  as  large  a 

The  Long  and  the  Short  of  It. 

THE  LONG  AND  THE  SHORT  OF  IT;  or,  Three  Comical  Adventures  of  Two 
Comical  Men.  8vo,  price  25  cents. 

Illustrated  on  every  page,  and  every  page  well-spring  of  pleasure,  and  the  funniest  book 
sparkling  with  merriment  and  side-splitting,  published, 
replete  with  comical  situations,  the  whole  a 

Address : COLLIN  & SMALL , 59  Beekman  Street , N,  Y. 


COLLIN  & SMALL’S  LIST  OF  PUBLICATIONS. 


The  Trip  of  the  Porgie;  or,  Tacking  up  the  Hudson. 

LAUGHING  SERIES,  BRICKTOP  STORIES,  No.  i. 

The  Trip  of  the  Porgie;  or,  Tacking  up  the  Hudson.  By  Bricktop.  Illustrated  by 
Worth.  128  pages,  extra  octavo,  price  25  cents. 


This  is  by  far  the  best  and  most  interesting 
book  ever  written  by  this  genial,  successful 
author,  and  he  claims  it  as  his  especial  favorite. 
It  is  bubbling  over  with  fun  and  sentiment 
from  the  first  to  the  last  line,  giving  personal 
observations  and  historical  reminiscences  of 
places  on  the  Hudson  River,  between  New 
York  and  Albany,  and  each  of  the  fifty  illustra- 
tions is  worth  the  price  of  the  book,  many  of 
them  being  of  great  historical  value.  The  club 
of  choice  spirits  which  the  author  accompanies 
on  their  visit  is  a small  one,  it  is  true,  consist- 


ing of  only  five,  all  told,  but  each  is  a character, 
and  each  entertaining  in  his  own  particular 
way.  The  Porgie  is  the  name  of  the  yacht 
owned  by  this  club,  and  in  which  they  make 
their  trip,  and  both  on  board  and  on  shore 
there  is  humor,  satire,  and  history  mixed  in  a 
delightful  measure.  The  story  of  that  trip  is 
finished  with  a burlesque,  as  performed  by  the 
“ Stuffed  Club  ” of  Albany,  in  the  capacity  of 
hosts,  and  this  alone  furnishes  an  hour’s  side- 
splitting reading,  and  is  worthy  of  John  Broug- 
ham in  his  palmy  days. 


My  Mother-in-law. 

LAUGHING  SERIES,  BRICKTOP  STORIES,  No.  2. 

My  Mother-in-law.  By  Bricktop.  Fifty  illustrations  by  Hopkins.  100  pages,  8vo, 
illuminated  cover,  price  25  cents. 

The  raciest  and  most  humorous  story  yet. 

Every  man  and  woman  in  the  country  should 
read  this  serio-comic  experience  of  a man  with 
a mother-in-law,  who  made  home  torrid  for 
him,  and  how  he  succeeded,  after  many  atempts 
and  failures,  in  getting  rid  of  her.  The  author 
feels  that  he  has  conferred  a blessing  on  socie- 
ty. It  bristles  with  new  points  and  the  action 

“Them  Thar”  Grasshoppers. 

LAUGHING  SERIES,  BRICKTOP  STORIES,  No.  3. 

“Them  Thar”  Grasshoppers.  By  Bricktop.  Fifty  first-class  humorous  illustrations. 
8vo,  price  25  cents. 

Curiosity  being  on  tiptoe  in  order  to  learn 
all  that  can  be  learned  respecting  these  Western 
pests,  these  winged  devastators,  the  author 
took  an  artist  with  him  and  started  for  the  fields 
of  their  operations.  The  result  is  more  Grass- 
hopper knowledge — fully  illustrated — than  the 
country  has  ever  been  favored  with  before.  The 
book  has  hopped  into  popularity  at  grasshopper 
gait. 

Smith  in  Search  of  a Wife. 

LAUGHING  SERIES,  BRICKTOP  STORIES,  No.  4. 

Smith  in  Search  of  a Wife.  By  Bricktop.  Illustrated  by  Thomas  Worth.  8vo,  price 
25  cents. 

This  story  is  not  founded  on  fact,  but  there  be  read  by  everybody  contemplating  the  great 
is  so  much  comical  human  nature  in  it  that  lottery  of  marriage.  Laughably  illustrated  by 
truth  couldn’t  make  it  any  better.  It  should  Thomas  Worth. 


Buy  it,  and  then  you  will  feel  more  like  giv- 
ing “something”  to  the  “Grasshopper  Suffer- 
ers.” 

Buy  it,  and  learn  all  about  the  “ varmints.” 

Buy  it,  and  see  the  superb  illustration  of  the 
characters  interviewed  by  the  author. 

Finally,  buy  it,  loosen  your  straps  and  but- 
tons, and  see  this  plague  as  the  author  and 
the  artist  saw  it. 


is  lively  from  first  to  last  Even  ministers,  the 
makers  of  mothers-in-law,  indorse  it,  and  it 
will  undoubtedly  have  as  large  a sale  as  the 
other  literary  hits  of  the  same  author,  this  be- 
ing the  first  time  he  has  ever  done  anything  in 
the  shape  of  missionary  work.  Buy  it,  study 
it,  let  your  wife  read  it,  and,  finally,  give  it  to 
your  mother-in-law. 


